They Call It "Extinction."

Today, Little E skipped her afternoon nap.

This means something. This is important.

All week, the afternoon nap has been hard-won and increasingly short. This afternoon was the worst, and she didn't go to sleep at all. An hour and a half after putting her down and listening to her alternate between babbling and screaming, we gave up. I called off our afternoon trip to the grocery store (not that I was sad about this--I hate grocery shopping) in favor of a low-key afternoon and an ultra-early bedtime. I gave her a nice big supper, put her in her jammies, read a few stories and nursed her down at five o'clock. Five o'clock! 


And I won't open her door again until six tomorrow morning. This is huge. This will be painful for all of us. They call it extinction, a term as ugly as the practice.

Sleep is the bane of most new parents' existence. We are no exception. Little E proved early on that she does not respond well to a subtle approach. At six months, she was up five to eight times a night. By seven months, she was pulling midnight dance parties--up for two hours straight wanting to play, and screaming her sweet little beet-red head off at any attempt to put her back down. It started when she first broke free of her swaddle. I knew the morning I found her in her crib, on her belly with her arms out that we were in trouble.

Adorable, but dangerous.

We had to find a way to break the swaddle habit. It did not go well. I had a baby who would not settle down for the night without being tightly wrapped and nursed to sleep. I tried leaving one arm out, but she would flail and wake herself up. Or worse, she would roll on to her belly and not be able to use her arms to roll back over. 

I did not believe in letting my baby cry it out. Not only did I think it was cruel and that she couldn't possibly understand what was going on, I was also convinced that it just wouldn't work. I felt terrible even considering it. Then, a friend of mine who had a baby Little E's age with similar sleep problems recommended the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. I was skeptical--we'd not had much luck with sleep books in the past. 

One night, after a particularly brutal two-hour stretch of shushing, rocking, nursing, patting and a seemingly endless bout of screaming, I snapped. I hit bottom. I put my hysterical baby in her crib, closed the door, and rocked back and forth in bed while she cried. Twenty agonizing minutes later, she was quiet, and she slept peacefully until morning. I was stunned, and I awoke on a mission: to help my baby learn to sleep on her own no matter what the cost. I went out and bought the book, and put it to practice that very day.

Less nighttime nursing means more morning cuddles.
It's now my favorite time of day.

I had uncovered a completely different baby. After less than a week she was waking only twice a night, and putting her down no longer took an hour. At bedtime we would nurse and she would roll over with a contented sigh and go right to sleep. I couldn't believe it. Getting more rest at night also meant her development took off in flying leaps--she learned to crawl and began pulling up on every piece of furniture in sight. 

I now know that letting my baby cry a bit does not make me a terrible mother. So now, as she approaches a whole new set of milestones and her sleep is degrading again, I know what I have to do. She no longer needs to nurse at night and it's time for her to learn how to get a full night's sleep without calling to me. It's a scary thing to do, as it means the end of another chapter of her babyhood. It means letting go of those sweet nighttime cuddles (though I would like more rest, I have to admit I will miss this greatly) and helping my girl develop independence. It's also one step closer to weaning her completely, which is bittersweet. But I know my girl, and I know when she is trying to tell me something. 

There is a great part of me that is proud of my ability to make tough decisions in my child's best interest. Being a new parent comes with so many doubts, and overcoming those hurdles is no easy task. But each of these trials leaves me feeling more comfortable in my new-mama skin, more certain that I know her better than anyone else. I am no less afraid of the struggles we will face, but I am more confident. 

Wish us luck tonight.